Vote for My Opening Line (Please?)

We interrupt this blog for this important message.

And now, a shameless self-promotion moment:

I’ve been participating in an online Master Class: James Patterson Teaches Writing. We’ve been invited to submit two drafts of an opening line for critique. The ultimate goal is to have my submission selected for critique by Mr. Patterson (a girl can dream).

In addition to submitting the lines in the class discussion page, we’re instructed to post on social media (Facebook, Twitter and Instagram). This is to increase the chance of having Mr. Patterson critique our work. So… here are my original and revised drafts of an opening for a short story. If you are reading this post on Facebook, please like it! And please feel free to make comments or give me feedback – after all, these are learning experiences.

#1 Original opening lines:

Meredith wondered what would happen if she pressed the gas pedal to the floor and aimed for the crossing guard. She didn’t bear any rancor towards the woman at the crosswalk. She didn’t even know the woman’s name. #JamesPattersonCritique

#2 Revised opening:

Stopped at the elementary school crosswalk, Meredith wondered how it would feel to suddenly accelerate and plow into the pretty mom volunteering as a crossing guard. She imagined the petite brunette flying up in the air, her pale blue tennis skirt fluttering in the breeze as she landed on the hood of Meredith’s ten-year old Suburban. She wondered whether the mom’s perfectly bobbed hair would be mussed by the impact. Probably not—those tennis moms always used extra hold hairspray. #JamesPattersonCritique

Thank you and we now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

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This entry was posted in creative writing, prose, random, writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Vote for My Opening Line (Please?)

  1. renoruss says:

    Just curious – should your hashtags be #JamePatter… or #JamesPatter… (“s” added in the middle…)

    Russ

  2. renoruss says:

    OK – Liked on WordPress and Facebook, plus I shared it on Facebook and liked my share (does that count?)

    Russ Ristine

  3. tomrains says:

    I liked the first one. But I loved the second one! Meredith sounds waaay creepier! The second one has much more character 🙂 Nice job.

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